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bigfloridapimp View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bigfloridapimp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 01:44
Originally posted by admin admin wrote:

To celebrate Peter Kay touring again for the first time in years.........
 
 
PETER KAY ONE LINERS

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.


The fat guy with a thyroid problem got a big yelping laugh outta me. I got a great story joke but last time I told or heard it was years ago, ill do my best to remember it. LoL.




Edited by bigfloridapimp - 12/February/2010 at 01:45
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 10:50
Originally posted by bigfloridapimp bigfloridapimp wrote:

The fat guy with a thyroid problem got a big yelping laugh outta me. I got a great story joke but last time I told or heard it was years ago, ill do my best to remember it. LoL
 
Yeah Peter Kay (presenting the Brit Awards next tuesday) is a rare breed in being a comic who can be funny without being offensive or swearing. Here's a joke about the football team Fletcher supports that I got told other day.......
 
Does anyone know how to cancel an Ebay purchase? I bought a Mickey Mouse outfit but didn't realise Portsmouth FC were available cheaper LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote WebmasterFF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 10:56
Originally posted by Gx Gx wrote:

Whats small, red and gooey and climbs up your leg?
 
A home-sick abortion.


What's green and gooey and climbs up your leg?
The same abortion two weeks later!




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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Phoenix Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 11:13
How do you get a fat guy out of a car? Piece of cake.
Have you heard about the new movie called 'Constipation'? No? That's cos it's not out yet.

(The above jokes were told to me by hubby's 13 year old cousin).
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bigfloridapimp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 22:22

Like I said its been years... And I found it on the net but it wasnt told right so I had to edit it a bit... But here the joke> Hopefully you can picture is in your head like I can, thats whats funniest about it. :)



So theres a huge building fire and the Fire Department shows up. They cant get the fire out as much as they try. So they go through the phone book and go A-Z calling people. if they can come put out the fire they get 50,000$! They get to G and no one has yet been able to put out this huge fire. They get to a lawn care buisness and tell the owner they will be given 50,000$ for them to come and put out the fire. Well, a few minutes pass and here comes this pickup truck full of Mexicans, flying over the hill like a bat out of hell! They drive straight into the fire and the guys jump out of the truck and they start going crazy jumping and stomping out the fire. The owner goes up to the Fire chief to get his money. And the man asks what he will do with the 50,000$? And the Mexican man replies, "1st thing I am going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck!"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/March/2010 at 09:16
Here is some good ones i've heard recently.......
 
My missus loves a nice bunch of flowers. Thankfully we live next to an accident black spot.
 
Vampires don't have blood flow so does that mean Edward Cullen can't get an erection?
 
You want to know how rough my wife is? When she's not feeling up for sex she tells me to wank in a cup and she'll drink it when she feels better.
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bigfloridapimp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/April/2010 at 23:06
I heard this joke on the Sopranos.



A Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor, he takes the exam and the doctor says to him, "I know why your having trouble." The Chinese guy says, "Why?" The doctor says, "You have a cataract." The Chinese guy says, "No I dont, I have a Rincoln Continental."


Edited by bigfloridapimp - 02/April/2010 at 23:07
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote John The Baptist Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03/April/2010 at 09:38
http://www.haveaslogan.com/


Funny as fuck.










Edited by Rock Mark - 05/April/2010 at 04:27
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bigfloridapimp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/April/2010 at 00:17
who and where is the other guy from? Obviously not the guy from 300...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote John The Baptist Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/April/2010 at 03:10
^^ Keith Jardine, the inbred looking UFC fighter.
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