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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/January/2007 at 17:06
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
>>wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
>>ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
>>Two cowboys applied for the job. one was gay and the other a drunk.
>>
>>She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
>>she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
>>him around the house than the drunk.
>>
>>He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
>>and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
>>and the ranch was doing very well.
>>
>>Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really
>>good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
>>kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
>>town on Saturday night.
>>
>>He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found
>>the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
>>wine, waiting for him.
>>
>>She quietly called him over to her.
>>
>>"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he
>>did as she directed.
>>
>>"Now take off my boots."
>>He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>>
>>"Now take off my socks."
>>He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>>
>>"Now take off my skirt."
>>He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
>>fire light.
>>
>>"Now take off my bra."
>>Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
>>it to the floor.
>>
>>Then she looked at him and said:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
>>
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SM Punk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28/January/2007 at 10:22
LOL! that was good admin....
 
 
ok... these three elderly ladies walk into a strip club without realizing it.  They walk over and sit down right up in the front, a well endowed man walks out and starts to dance right in front of them....
 
The first lady has a stroke...
 
The second lady says "Oh My God" and has a stroke
 
The third lady tried to have a stroke...
 
But her arms werent long enough.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shooter420 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29/January/2007 at 17:25

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

The views expressed by Shooter may not reflect those at theunprettier and anyone wishing to file a complaint can go fuck themselves, have a nice day :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/February/2007 at 11:52
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MariaS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/January/2009 at 21:03
This one cracks me up every time I read it.

Mexican words of the day....

1.  *Cheese*
    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.  
Pepito
replies:  Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2.  *Mushroom*
    When  my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3.  *Shoulder*
    My fren want 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to  
read so I
shoulder.

4.  * Texas *
    My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where
I'm at!

5.  *Herpes*
    Me and my fren ordered pizza.  I got mine piece and she got
herpes.

6.  *July*
   Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me!  Julyer!

7.  *Rectum*
    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8.  *Chicken*
    I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go
herself.

9.  *Wheelchair*
    We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10.  *Chicken*  *wing*
     My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11.  *Bishop*
      My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13.  *Body wash*
      I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14.  *Budweiser*
      That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so
ugly?





Edited by MariaS - 25/January/2009 at 21:03
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Steven Nyte Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28/January/2009 at 00:45
Okay, a lowlife one:
 
Two Pedophiles meet, the first one goes:
 
"Alright, DUDE, last night, man, I had a 2 year old!"
 
says the other: "Yeah, man that chick already was hot 2 years ago!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20/November/2009 at 21:12
To celebrate Peter Kay touring again for the first time in years.........
 
 
PETER KAY ONE LINERS

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote John The Baptist Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/February/2010 at 18:48
I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.



Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.




A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her & nicks her purse.



A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."




New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 Tub of Vaseline: £3 XL Box of Tissues: £2 The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless




I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.




If you are offended by any of these jokes then...get over it.

Edited by Rock Mark - 11/February/2010 at 18:49
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote WebmasterFF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 01:22
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking in a house fire





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gx Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/February/2010 at 01:33
Whats small, red and gooey and climbs up your leg?
 
A home-sick abortion.
Fletch: Why didnt Vince just get a load of monitors to act as lumberjacks? Then Bret wouldnt have stood a chance. That monitor will be inducted in to the HOF at Wrestlemania 30.
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