TUP Wrestling Forum Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > Random Chat > General Chat > Non Serious Topics
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Jokes Thread
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Jokes Thread

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 101112
Author
Message
Rico Len View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar
Three Time TW Winner (X, XII, XIII)

Joined: 23/October/2012
Location: Yosemite Lakes
Status: Offline
Points: 11484
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Rico Len Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15/March/2013 at 23:31
Actual article from the LA Times, The editor's comments at the end are hilarious:

* * *

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. As usual Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon," our signal that he'd had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, to try to see him. I thought the light might attract him and he'd come forward to where I could get him out.

At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." "Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

* * *

Editor's Notes: Things in this story that scare me...

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."

"So I peered into the tube ... " (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)

That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.

Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil's body being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love."

People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their intestines.

People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to a hospital emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting this kind of truth. Call me old fashioned if you must, but I just cannot imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well, doc, it's like this. You see, we had this gerbil named Raggot, and we took a cardboard tube ... "

"First and second degree burns to the anus ...." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids seem like a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible smells on the face of God's green earth.

People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic man who insert rodent up his butt."

What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
Back to Top
WebmasterFF View Drop Down
Admin Group
Admin Group
Avatar
His Lordship

Joined: 10/August/2005
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 2630
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote WebmasterFF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/March/2013 at 04:31
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug

Edited by WebmasterFF - 16/March/2013 at 04:32




Back to Top
Rico Len View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar
Three Time TW Winner (X, XII, XIII)

Joined: 23/October/2012
Location: Yosemite Lakes
Status: Offline
Points: 11484
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rico Len Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/April/2013 at 00:33
Joke's on you, Mom.

Back to Top
admin View Drop Down
Admin Group
Admin Group
Avatar
Open To Bribes For Favours

Joined: 01/October/2003
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Online
Points: 47518
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote admin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/March/2014 at 15:31
No jokes for a year? What a set of miserable bastards we've got.

Sometimes though you don't have to tell a joke as a picture tells a story.

So therefore i'd like to share this Irish pisstake......


Back to Top
DangerZone View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar
Winner Of Ticket Wars IX

Joined: 06/January/2012
Location: ISIS
Status: Offline
Points: 5522
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DangerZone Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21/March/2014 at 14:13
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.



Back to Top
2Bme View Drop Down
Wrestlemania
Wrestlemania
Avatar

Joined: 17/September/2012
Location: SoCal
Status: Offline
Points: 778
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 2Bme Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21/March/2014 at 19:59
A Chinaman walks into a bank and asks for the bank manager.  He explains how he wants to open a restaurant, but needs to exchange his currency for US dollars.  He gives the manager $1000 in chinese currency, then the manager gives him $1000 USD.
The chinaman returns in a week with the same amount of money, only this time, he's given $800 USD.
 
 
"Hey, why you give me ress money?", the chinaman asked.
 
 
The bank manager replies, "The stock market is in a state of fluxuation."
"fux-you-asian?  Fok you, Engrish man!"


Edited by 2Bme - 21/March/2014 at 20:00
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter Tompson
Back to Top
LennyComa View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar

Joined: 01/August/2012
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 4896
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LennyComa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/June/2014 at 16:41
My girlfriend told me I had the biggest cock she had ever seen, However when I said the same thing about her Vagina, that's when the problems started



Y'know what?....It's really fucking hot here in Africa. Who knew?....Well me, I have been doing this for almost 5 years
Back to Top
LennyComa View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar

Joined: 01/August/2012
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 4896
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LennyComa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/June/2014 at 09:36
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Y'know what?....It's really fucking hot here in Africa. Who knew?....Well me, I have been doing this for almost 5 years
Back to Top
Rico Len View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar
Three Time TW Winner (X, XII, XIII)

Joined: 23/October/2012
Location: Yosemite Lakes
Status: Offline
Points: 11484
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rico Len Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/July/2014 at 16:49
I got this from my facebook. Thought it might go over well here. I know I got a good laugh from it. :p

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
Back to Top
DangerZone View Drop Down
PB Members
PB Members
Avatar
Winner Of Ticket Wars IX

Joined: 06/January/2012
Location: ISIS
Status: Offline
Points: 5522
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DangerZone Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/July/2014 at 16:12
I was in the pub the other day and I was telling my mate that joke about "what do you do when an epeleptic falls in the bath" of corse the answer is "throw in your washing" when I felt a tap on my shoulder and this really big guy says " I dont find that very funny,my brother is an epeleptic and he died in the bath"

I said I was very sorry to hear that and offered to buy him a drink.

While we were waiting for the drink to arrive I asked " so how did your brother die,did he drown ?"

No he choked on a sock


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says "99".

The doctor says "Great" now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'". Again, the old guy says "99". The doctor said "Very good".

"Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'".

The old guy begins "One... two... three..."




Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 101112
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.01
Copyright ©2001-2014 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.046 seconds.