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Jokes Thread

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ihatethatmonkee View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ihatethatmonkee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/September/2012 at 23:51
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote HBKDX97 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/September/2012 at 23:52
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A genetically unstable animal that dies shortly after birth...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MegaManXXV Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/November/2012 at 16:56
You want a joke?

See Matt Hardy post-WWE. Best joke this threads ever seen.

Ill give a real one tho ...

Q: What do you get when you cross an over-weight baboon with a zombie?

A: Matt Hardy

Edited by MegaManXXV - 19/November/2012 at 16:59
** Your Welcome **
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thundarr2000 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20/November/2012 at 17:12
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
 
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
 
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
 
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
 
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
 
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 2Bme Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20/November/2012 at 20:44
What do you get when you cross an Iranian with a Spaniard?  Oil of Ole!

What do you call a fat Chinaman?  A Chunk

What's the difference between pick and choose?  Pick is a selection, and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet.

What's the difference between a Texan and a black man?  A Texan has a 10" belt buckle and 3" dick, and the black man has a 3" belt buckle and a 10" dick.

What do you call a homosexual milkman?  A Dairy Queen

Why is the suicide rate in Poland so low?  You can't kill yourself jumping out a basement window.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter Tompson
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Raven Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/January/2013 at 10:06
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premier League football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/January/2013 at 14:55
In Wild West America, a dog limps into a saloon with one of his legs heavily bandaged in a bloodstained tourniquet.

As he enters, the saloon turns deadly silent as everyone turns to look at him. The dog walks to the bar. The barkeep, no stranger to trouble asks "what can i get you?"

The dog tips his cowboy hat upward and snarls in a southern drawl "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Mr Quality over Quantity 2010 |~| Mr Variety 2011
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LennyComa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/January/2013 at 16:11
What's the difference between a Bench and a Chav.
A bench can support a family.

2 cannibals are eating a comedian one turns to the other and says "This tastes funny"


Y'know what?....It's really fucking hot here in Africa. Who knew?....Well me, I have been doing this for almost 5 years
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/February/2013 at 12:02
The Pope has proved his credentials as a good Catholic - by pulling out before finishing the job.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Collywog3:16 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/February/2013 at 12:10


Edited by Collywog3:16 - 11/February/2013 at 12:23

"AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHIPPED YOUR ASS AND THATS THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"
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